Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize