im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
