...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
