i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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