It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
