I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
