HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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