you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
