so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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