I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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