She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
