I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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