But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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