I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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