A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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