when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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