So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
