My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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