i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
