i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
where are my eyebrows?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
