We're facebook friends in real life
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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