I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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