I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
