Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
