I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
