MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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