I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
