How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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