he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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