oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
