i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
