im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
