another moral hangover. fuck.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
