my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
