he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
