Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
My pussy is not your playground.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
