Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
