why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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