why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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