his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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