I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
