When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize