a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
