She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
