I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
