just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
