Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So many bounce houses so little time
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
