So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
