I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
