She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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