everyone is single if you try hard enough
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
