In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
