I'm lost and stupid without you.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
